Can you be ok with your pain or are you dismissing it because others suffer more than you? Suppressing or denying your feelings because they are not painful enough can lead to shame. This is known as the second arrow. First you have the pain, then you pile a layer of guilt and shame on top. Ranking your pain and suffering against other’s pain is known as comparative suffering. Thinking “My pain is worse than others” is another form of comparative suffering. Thinking this way also piles on the second arrow of shame. In reality you can hold two thoughts simultaneously, “I recognize the validity of my own suffering as well as the suffering of others.” Empathy is not finite. There is enough to give yourself empathy and to give it to others. Visualize a softening around the edges of your heart, developing loving kindness with yourself so that you can extend compassion outward. Expressing your pain to others is part of the natural and necessary co-regulation of emotions. Most importantly, it opens up a space for others to come to you when they need empathy.
Finding Meaning in Suffering
How can we find meaning in pain and suffering? It is often helpful to remember that some things happen for no reason and it’s not always our fault. Being stuck in shame and blame will only lead us deeper into the suffering. Finding meaning when we are stuck in the mists of suffering and depression can be difficult. Often controlling the emotions though meditation is the first step. Titrating back and forth between looking deeply at the pain and taking refuge in the breath. Remembering there is safety of the present moment. Eventually we give up the desire to push the pain away, and are ok with saying “This happened to me,” and letting it wash over us. The work is in connecting with others who hear us and can hold our pain. Meaning may emerge in unexpected places not necessarily related to the suffering. Pain and suffering are universal, but ultimately personal suffering brings out our compassion for others.