Sometimes we don’t know what we need to let go of in order to move forward. Lean into what you are feeling. Often there is comfort in knowing what is behind the feeling. If not, accept it and apply compassion and tenderness for yourself and others. Labeling the feeling is often enough to cause it to dissipate. When feeling returns, label it again with compassion and forgiveness. Repeat. Soon it will be just a part of who you are…. your friend, that you fully accept with love and understanding.
Why Do I Meditate?
I meditate because I want my brain to leave me alone. Meditation makes everything seems less important. I don’t mean everything is less important than meditation. I mean the barrage and complexity of everyday tasks lessen in importance. They can get overwhelming and it’s hard to sort out their hierarchy. Then the judging mind comes rushing in followed by paralyzing doubt. Meditating helps to let go of evaluating everything. One realizes that stress and anxiety don’t have to accompany every task. All we really have is the here and now, and the here and now experience is greatly affected by our own minds. There is immense relief when the thinking mind falls back from consciousness and the sensations of the moment become all there is. Everything can change and is changing every minute. It is within our power.
Transitioning From Covid Days
We are all transitioning from the Covid lockdown days to the new normal. It feels unsettling. We all felt loss during Covid, but some of us gained some things. For some, extreme hyper vigilance and fear took hold. Isolation, loneliness, death and grief overwhelmed people.
But for others, wearing a mask increased a feeling of emotional protection. Some felt relief that our lives did not have to amount to anything significant during lockdown. A silent stillness and emptiness in the city streets provided solace. For some staying home alone made life easier. Everyone experienced it differently.
We now find ourselves either trying to move into something different or get back something we had. The transition can feel to abrupt with lost routines and stalled attempts to find new ways.
Resist the urge to think “If I can just get there…. or have this, it will all be ok.” This way of thinking is future oriented and can set up expectations that might not get met. The finish line keeps moving future and future away. Try to be ok with “not knowing” in the present moment. Always trying to fit your life in a prescribed notion of what you imagine it to be can signal trouble. With meditation we can put a little more space in our lives and be less judgmental of ourselves and others during these difficult transitional periods. We soon discover new cracks of openness and an immense opportunity arises to fill them with kindness.
Dharma Punx Boston meets every Sunday outdoors from 4:00pm - 5:30pm. Everyone is welcome to join us. We meet across from 73 Park Dr., Boston 02215, under the trees next to the James P Kelleher Rose Garden. You might want to bring a folding chair, cushion or towel to sit on. You can park for free in many resident spaces nearby on Sundays. The T stop is at either Fenway or the MFA. Our meetings are peer led by members of our sangha and include meditation, and a brief talk on a Buddhist related topic and a group discussion.
Spiritual Guides
Who are your guides? A guide is any person who teaches us to be wiser and kinder. Animals, a work of music or art, or nature itself can be a guide. Guides show us the ways love can be expressed. They show us a vision of what we can accomplish. The Buddha was a guide, but today we fine guides in ordinary people. Guides appear when we need them. Because no teacher is perfect, and our guides can be flawed. We are all human, and accepting your guides flaws is part of receiving the wisdom your guide possesses. One of the primary roles of a guide is to reflect our wisdom and joy back to us. A guide makes your feelings easier. They share your pain and dissipate your loneliness. Acknowledge and practice gratitude when a guide appears for you.
Go Lightly
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days…Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me…to throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…”
— Aldous Huxley, “Island”
New Beginnings
A Warm Day
By Louise Glück
Today the sun was shining
so my neighbor washed her nightdresses in the river—
she comes home with everything folded in a basket,
beaming, as though her life had just been
lengthened a decade. Cleanliness makes her happy—
it says you can begin again,
the old mistakes needn’t hold you back …
Sometimes all you can think during you daily gratitude practice is “I’m grateful the day is over and tomorrow is another day…. I can begin again.” Beginning again is filled with optimism. Clinging and aversion is where we suffer. Letting go of what we cling to or what we are angry at is hard. On the other side of letting go is beginning again, which is creative and life affirming.
Covid 19 forces us to find joy in the smallest things. The simplicity of cooking a lunch every day or the feeling of clean sheets against your body at night. Preparing for the change in seasons by moving your tee shirts out of your draws and replacing them with your winter sweaters. Doing things we naturally want to rush through slowly and appreciating them with a sense of spaciousness can give us room for new beginnings.
Letting Go
Often times we don’t know what we need to let go of in order to move forward. Things that that were useful when we were young and have become adaptive strategies, can stop working and hold you back. Sometimes we need to let go of our habit of trying to solidify the future and our expectations and just be open to the possibilities of life. Being fixed on one idea can close you off to all the other possibilities around you. Sometimes it’s a matter of letting go of the constant need for approval. Self-judgements, moralizing, harshness, shame and deception can surround the thing we need to let go of. Sometime we just need to acknowledge… “I’m not going to get that thing”… and ask ourselves “can I let it go of it with kindness, forgiveness and love?”
Moving Closer To Fear
Moving closer to fear is the journey of bravery. It is feeling the groundlessness that exists and being ok with it. In the face of groundlessness, we naturally grasp for something to hold on to, such as drugs, alcohol or pleasure. Identifying with and holding tightly to our views and opinions, results in dividing the world into us and them. Instead try to be open, available and receptive. Have the courage to be tender hearted and not strike out against others. Tap into your fundamental goodness. “Touch what is coming up and let it go.” In turning towards fear you discover vulnerability. Allow yourself to be as you are, without justifying or condemning. The anticipation is usually the worst part of the fear. Fear is moving closer to the truth and understanding this can reduce the shame of fear.
“All things can co-exist at the same time. Fear doesn’t have to stop the experience of a moment of joy. There is so much freedom when you push through to the other side.”
Comparative Suffering and the Second Arrow
Can you be ok with your pain or are you dismissing it because others suffer more than you? Suppressing or denying your feelings because they are not painful enough can lead to shame. This is known as the second arrow. First you have the pain, then you pile a layer of guilt and shame on top. Ranking your pain and suffering against other’s pain is known as comparative suffering. Thinking “My pain is worse than others” is another form of comparative suffering. Thinking this way also piles on the second arrow of shame. In reality you can hold two thoughts simultaneously, “I recognize the validity of my own suffering as well as the suffering of others.” Empathy is not finite. There is enough to give yourself empathy and to give it to others. Visualize a softening around the edges of your heart, developing loving kindness with yourself so that you can extend compassion outward. Expressing your pain to others is part of the natural and necessary co-regulation of emotions. Most importantly, it opens up a space for others to come to you when they need empathy.
The Illusion of Time
Thanks to Brendan for leading Dharma Punx last Sunday. He led with a 30 minute silent meditation and a reading titled the “Three Categories of Illusion” by T’ien-t’ai from the Zen tradition.
Our following discussion centered around the nature of time and space and whether time exists or if it is just something we experience, an illusion. Brendan shared his thoughts “Once you start taking time out of the equation the results look different. Most important are the “now” moments, what we do in this life time. But at the same time, it doesn’t matter. Time goes on forever but we are just this lifetime.” Marco commented “In physics one can know where a particle is OR where it is going, but you can’t know both at the same time.” And Rob replied “I love the fact that there is so much we’ll never understand.” Marco stated that religions historically have supplied basic answers and definitions to simplify life for people.
The persona is only a constructed reality. All we really have is the self which is impermanent and in transition. The persona works in tandem with the self. Neither is true, but they are both true. It is a duality, and we learn to hold the two opposing thoughts in your mind at the same time. (In the Tibetan Buddhist lineage, it is known as the Conventional Self and the Ultimate Self, or the Two Truths.) Reality is perceived in layers. How you are perceiving it changes the outcome of how it unfolds. Questions arose in our group such as, when we die, how will we be perceived? They may be many things about us that no one knows, things we haven’t shared with anyone, that we carry with us, to our graves. What persona will we be remembered for? It may just be the little things like, being kind to one person, or helping another along the way. Or the things we made by hand, that may be found by another in a thrift store. Our gifts left behind.
Brendan commented “Think of consciousness as just a field. It’s possible that we all experience the same field. But we channel it through our own mind. This is how we separate ourselves from others. Because we experience it directly, we feel that our experience is more important than others.”
Melissa talked about ego stories being illusions we tell ourselves to try to make sense of things. Asking herself “What are the stories I tell myself that I would like to change?” and “what is the new story that I can replace it with?”. The story, “I am a busy person” is countered with “Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. No one to be”. And the story “I’m not good enough” is countered with dropping out of my identity. Letting go of thinking things are always related to me. Melissa concluded “I find that there is much more space when I am not guided by the constricted view of who I am.”
Processing David Foster Wallace Through a Buddhist Lens
Rob lead DPX last Sunday with a meditation focusing on feelings. He encouraged us to investigate the feelings that come up while we meditate. How and where we feel them in our bodies? Being specific and defining them further by putting shapes and colors to the feelings. After the meditation, one person talked about experiencing feeling uneasiness and experiencing fear behind that unease. Moving into that fear, and then having to back out in order to be safe. Focusing on the breath once again, then gradually moving back into the unease and fear. This is the practice of titration. For further information about titration: http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1842
Rob opened the group discussion by playing a wonderfully humorous and insightful talk by the author David Foster Wallace titled “This is Water.” It was given as the graduating speech to Kenyon college class of 2005.
David Foster Wallace explains to us:
“Everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute center of the universe, the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely talk about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness, because it's so socially repulsive, but it's pretty much the same for all of us, deep down. It is our default-setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth.” “It's the automatic, unconscious way that I experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of adult life.” “I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities.”
Wallace concludes that “The world will not discourage you from operating on your default-settings, because the world of men and money and power hums along quite nicely on the fuel of fear and contempt and frustration and craving and the worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom to be lords of our own tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course, there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default-setting, the “rat race”-the constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing.
David Foster Wallace’s speech dovetails nicely with fundamental Buddhist principals which acknowledges how we project our own inherent biases on situations rather than seeing things and people as empty and impermanent. His speech supports compassion and awareness for yourself and others. Sadly, Wallace committed suicide just 3 years after giving this speech. He suffered from depression his whole life. Our group discussion centered around suicide with one person expressing anger that Wallace was not able to practice what he was advocating so eloquently for. Others shared that you can do all the right things, meditating, hanging out with friends, exercise and then in middle age realize that you are not going to be able to defeat your cycle of depression. Wallace had been on meds, later off them, then on them again, and even tried Electroconvulsive Therapy, (ECT), which works for some people but not all. In the end, we recognize and accept that suicide is a hard thing to understand. As Buddhists, we once again come back to embracing “not knowing.”
David Foster Wallace’s full speech can be watched here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhhC_N6Bm_s
Forgiveness, Faith & Covid 19
Thanks to Beth for leading DPX last Sunday in our new temporary outdoor location. She presented a chart describing the 3 stages of the Covid Pandemic Response, published by the National Institute of Mental Health. The chart is a helpful guide to recognizing the difference between growth, acceptance and basic survival modes. Beth explained that, in an atmosphere of uncertainty and dread we often max out our good and bad coping skills and mechanisms. This can result in agoraphobia or feeling overly sensitive around people. It is important to understand that you may be dipping in and out of the different areas shown on the chart daily or even hourly because our thoughts and moods are impermanent.
Beth led us in a forgiveness meditation, using the phrases, “Forgive me, I forgive you, I forgive myself” as an anchor to return to when we get lost in thoughts. The meditation generated a discussion about forgiveness. Many commenting that self-forgiveness is the hardest part. People talked about having deep neural pathways of self-criticism. One member revealed that her mind is constantly reviewing previous social situation, trying to discern if she is at fault in any way. This is followed by a process of absolving her guilt. Though seeing her patterns and labeling them “reviewing” while meditating, she has come to realize that it is not her voice criticizing and judging herself, but an old conditioned “part” of her. (to use a term from the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy) This “part” was conditioned by her mother’s constant criticism and is no longer useful or helpful. With meditation one gets bored with all these unnecessary and unhelpful “parts” that continue to arise in a predictable pattern. Eventually it becomes easier to ignore them or drop them completely. Another helpful tip to reducing self-blame and unnecessary judgement mentioned was finding the inner child. How would you treat a child? Learn to treat yourself with the same kindness you would treat that child.
Others acknowledge they have trouble forgiving others. Beth quoted Noah Levin saying “You need to forgive everybody. I forgive you in my heart but never again in my house.” Practicing conditional forgiveness by separating internal forgiveness from external forgiveness is helpful. Rob commentated that the irony of anger is, “that you are so angry at a person, you are walking around with a rock in your gut.... and the other person is sitting at a bar having a beer!”
Rob also reminded us that some things are biological. People can have genetic dispositions which make them biologically more sensitive to certain things. The same situation can affect people differently. This explains why some people are strong and resilient in horribly adverse conditions while others end up with symptoms of trauma. Importantly, Beth commented that judging yourself against these strong people can be “just another way to beat yourself up.”
When the conversation turned back to coping mechanisms, people talked about Facebook and Instagram being a helpful way to stay connected with friends. Joining self-help groups, groups around Corona Virus issues of loss of jobs, how to navigate benefits and groups with similar interests can help you feel like you are not alone and provide useful information. However, Facebook’s algorithms can lead to confirmation bias which can be dangerous with politics, and Facebook can be addictive and overused. But Sam reminded us that “it’s better than nothing”. Mike talked about “letting go of the need to understand everything” and “letting go of expectations… of needing to have results,” and even of “having to feel better.” The level of anxiety is not going to stay. Just let it happen with forgiveness and it will pass.
Finally, doubt, one of the 5 Hinderances was discussed. Name it “doubt,” then add faith and action as a remedy. But what is faith? Barbara commented that “Faith is that 100-year old tree. Faith just comes. It’s not a feeling of happiness, it’s just ok-ness.” Sam concurred, remembering “Faith is the palm trees swaying back and forth in the wind, the only thing that survived the bombing of a city I lived in.” Mike concluded our discussion profoundly saying “Faith is making room for the people that come behind us.”
If Your Life Were A Book?
Thanks to Paul for leading DPX at our first Covid outdoor meet-up location. We did a silent meditation, followed by a reading that Paul presented by Jon Kabat-Zinn from “Wherever You Go There You Are.” It was an excerpt explaining meditation being a path, a way of living in harmony with not knowing where you are going. Kabat-Zinn talks about learning to see clearly where you are on the path right now and not believing to strongly that you know where you are going, because that is grasping which causes suffering. We need to admit that we don’t know they way and be open to help along our path.
For discussion Paul asked us to consider, “If your life were a book, what chapter would you be on and what would the title of the book be?" He stated that he is working on not being driven by narrow visions of personal growth and instead learning to be fully open to all the energies at his disposal. He is trying to step up as skillfully and mindfully as he can, approaching an unknown path.
One member of our group commented that his book title would be “The Picture of Dorian Gray”, because of the conflict between what he presents externally verses the reality of what he is feeling inside. Or “Don Quixote”, referring to the illusion he lives with.
Another member said her book title would be “Learning to Let Go.” Because she is trying to not force an outcome, being open to possibilities, accepting being in a space where something might come to fruition…. and it may not be what she had planned.
Another member talked about “A Random Walk Through Life” learning to take things as they come. Or “Death in the Afternoon” because of all the high-risk activities he used to engage in, but not doesn’t feel the need to do anymore.
Another member said her book would be called “It doesn’t Get Better That This”, referring to her personal challenge not to grasp or aspire at all, but to completely accept.
Still another member said her book would be called “Healed !?” Stating that years of hard work, is beginning to pay off. Developing a daily meditation practice, meeting with regular Buddhist meditation groups, stopping drinking, attending recovery meetings, building communities, finally having full access to appropriate mental health care services, with her struggles to get adequate insurance, years of physical therapy finally healing chronic pain, and amazingly having some financial security due to pandemic unemployment insurance, as well as finding meaning through a new career path. Everything is coming together to create a state of mind free from C-PSTD symptoms and unresolved grief that has been a black cloud over her for 18 years.
Another member titled his book “If It’s Not One Thing…..It’s Another….It’s Always Something. Don’t Wait For It To Be Right.”
What would your book title be? What chapter are you on currently?
That about did it for our meeting. We so enjoyed having Paul visit us again in Boston after his move to Texas. He will always be in our hearts even if he lives in Texas now!
Relaxing into The Waves
Our group worked together to lead DPX last Sunday with a silent meditation and up an impromptu topic for discussion, brought up Marco, based on the current heat wave we are having and memories if the beach. We talked about how water, waves and beaches can metaphorically reflect the Buddhist dharma and be healing. Marco started us off by commenting on how as you dive deeper and deeper under the water in the ocean, sounds fall away and you find yourself in a different world, which has nothing to do with what is going on above. Brendan very articulately pushed back on this idea, saying conditions on the surface of the water have everything to do with what is going on 100 feet below. Just because we can’t see or hear it doesn’t mean it is not affected by what is happening above. It’s like global warming. We need to pay closer attention. We need to redefine how we understand things.
Ray talked about the summer rhythm of the large ocean waves brings up issues but then over time, washes them away with their repetitiveness, like the breath in meditation. Commenting that the hearing distant sounds of children playing helps bring you into the moment. During winter walks, the beach brings up the issues so strongly that beach walks can be overwhelming. She finds it safer to walk in the woods where she feels held by the closeness of the surrounding trees and sturdy softness of the ground.
Sam, an avid body surfer on both coasts, said he has been using the visualization of a wave while meditating for years. Visualizing the wave building on the inbreath and breaking on the outbreath. He quoted Bruce Lee saying that “waves are dynamic because they are simultaneously hard and fluid.” (Then we all promptly agreed that we would like to invite Bruce Lee to join DPX!) Sam shared his experience saying “you can be out in the ocean and see the shore, but you can’t return to the shore without the wave. A wave can have great power over you, so you need to let go. You can’t panic, you can’t resist. You need to harmonize with the wave, relax into the moment and let go in order to get back to shore with the help of the wave.”
He noted that “Where the water meets the sand is known as the littoral zone. A chemical reaction takes place there with the interaction between the salt in the water and the mica in the sand, yielding ozone which is a natural antidepressant.
Marco mentioned the impermanence of sand castles and the beautiful metaphor they contain. Similar to the Tibetan sand mandalas, which take days to create with sustained work by many monks, only to be immediately and purposefully destroyed to demonstrate non-attachment and impermanence.
Mike mention practicing Tonglen with a sick friend using the wave imagery following the inbreath and out breath. The feeling of or lives being insignificant in light of the vastness of the sea, leads us to realize our own impermanence and death.
Melissa brought up the artwork of artist Andy Goldsworthy, who’s art is created with nature in the landscape. His work is beautiful but temporary, as nature eventually takes it over. Cristo, another profoundly moving artist, who’s installations in public spaces can make you feel completely transformed in an environment you are normally familiar with. Other artists we discussed were Richard Long and Hamish Fulton. Both artists use walking as a method of creation that is momentary, impermanent, active, and visceral and most importantly, not part of production or consumption. The artist known as Stelarc was discussed for his radical use the body as the work of art itself. There is no separation of art and ourselves. We are constantly being modeled and sculpted in this changing body and mind.
Sam’s, definition of aging: “The physical result of resistance to change” says it all. So enjoy yourselves at the beach this summer, channel your open heart, go with the flow, let go and surf a wave. Sit in the lattoral zone and soak up the ozone, build an elaborate sand castle and let the waves take it away. Be in the moment. Stay young.
The Five Hindrances
Thanks to Brendan for leading DPX last Sunday with a meditation and talk. He played us a Ted Talk by about finding your individual path using the metaphor of climbing a mountain by Master Shi-Heng Yi. Shi-Heng Yi spoke of the 5 hindrances that get in the way of your individual path. 1.) Sensual desire. 2.) Ill will or aversion. 3.) Sloth and torpor. 4.) Restlessness. 5.) Skeptical doubt. He stressed that in order to bring meaning and value into your life, one needs to master yourself and not let the hindrances stop you. Master Shi-Heng Yi reminded us that the hindrances are inherently part of our conditioning. He presented 4 ways to align and structure your life to prevent the hindrances. 1.) recognize the hindrance. 2.) Accept and acknowledge the situation or person and let it be. 3.) Investigate why? And what are the consequences? 4.) Non- Identify. “I am not the body”, “I am not the mind”, “I am not the emotion”. “You can see these, but you are not these”. In our group discussion there were comments expressing an understanding that “whatever happens there is always an opportunity to have compassion for ourselves”. And “An opportunity to appreciate being a human being in progress”. And “The goal is simply an obstacle to overcome as quickly as possible. Pay attention to the journey and don’t be so focused on the end.”
Loneliness During Covid 19 Quarantine
Melissa led DPX on the theme of loneliness last week. Sighting that loneliness lies behind a host of problems—anxiety, violence, trauma, crime, suicide, depression, political apathy, and even political polarization. Lonely people can even feel homeless even though they had a roof over their heads. Loneliness can manifest when finding yourself among a group of people who do not know and understand you and can trigger a fight-or-flight response. We breathe fast, our heart races, our blood pressure rises, we don’t sleep. We act fearful, defensive, and self-involved, all of which drive away people who might actually want to help, and tend to stop lonely people from doing what would benefit them most: reaching out to others. Our group had a variety of responses ranging from feeling less alone knowing that everyone is going through this and that it lands in different ways for people. Having empathy for the frontline nurses and doctors seeing and experiencing collective grief. Noting that anger is a masking emotion for grief and sadness. Grief for the loss of a previous life. Feeling ostracized from friends and gratefully acknowledging how much our DPX group has helped. Feeling grateful for recovery, which helps to connect with emotions, identify them, be with them, and deal with them. Feeling waves of sadness but opening to the inquiring mind when there is space.
Fear, Doubt and Covid 19
At our Sunday Zoom meeting led by Ray, we did a happiness inducing Metta meditation for everyone in the world who is suffering from the Coronavirus including its emotional and financial trickle down. Our discussion centered around emotions of desire, anxiety, fear and doubt, and how one emotion spirals into the next. Doubt arises from fear. We doubt the best way to control a potential negative future that we are afraid of. It causes us to hold back and we get stuck in ruminating thoughts. Too much thinking and not enough action. We are afraid we are going to pay the consequences and people are going to judge us for doing it wrong. We fear that we will be separated and unloved as a result.
Remedies for this downward spiral include, being present and focusing on your breath. Labeling the emotion, saying “This is a moment of suffering.” Meeting it with kindness and without blame, self-blame, or judgement of any kind. Saying “may I be at ease” and “I care about my suffering” Rather than … “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”. Finally, asking yourself “is this useful?” Committing to mindfully trying to understand the emotion and the situation and to face it with positivity, productivity and rewardingly. Don’t obsess over unattainable targets or expectations. Goals should be realistic and attainable. If the situation cannot change, accept it as it is and turn it to an advantage.
In our group discussion Bailey talked about the difficulties of living outside her daily routine and commented that in her situation, turning it to an advantage meant learning that is ok to ask for help. Sam talked of shifting from hypervigilance to mindfulness. Mike mentioned gaining resiliency as we go through difficult times. Beth talked about using time more wisely, because we don’t know how much time we have left.
Brendan commented that “In many ways, this is no different than normal life. In normal life we have no control, ….it’s just that we have more things to distract ourselves with so we don’t have to think about it. This virus situation takes away everything we have built up and leaves us with only ourselves to observe and be with.”
Mike said “It’s a time to question how we want to show up in the world because we are all grieving together. Everyone agreed how surprisingly comforting it was to be with our community and see everyone’s faces. Even if it was through Zoom.